Walking the Road

Resentment. I have fought (and often lost) a desperate battle with it ever since I became a mother. At first, I struggled with the requirements a baby made on my time, energy and body. Then I experienced how becoming a mom ushered me out of the spotlight and kept me home more. In fact, the last five years have thrust me into a daily dying to my natural selfishness like never before. And, I will be honest, I have struggled with resentment in it all--towards the kids for what they (naturally and rightly) require, towards Matt who "gets" to go off to work, towards other moms who seem to have it easier. Unfortunately, that insidious spider of bitterness creeps into my attitude and has often manifested itself in guilt-inducing comments directed at my husband, in unmerited frustration at my children's needs, in myself unhealthily playing the martyr. And I knew that as Matt headed off on an adventure to Thailand (a place we have both always wanted to travel), I would be fertile soil for weeds of resentment to take root.

And then God found me. One morning several days before Matt left, I was reminded of a lesson learned earlier this year. At the end of the book of John in the Bible, here's the scene:

Jesus is having a conversation with his loud-mouthed, passionate disciple Peter. After forgiving Peter for bailing on him during Jesus's arrest and execution, Jesus tells Peter a little piece of his future. The Christ turns to Peter--Peter who has just witnessed the graphic bloody death by crucifixion--and tells this disciple that Peter will die in the same way--on a cross. Now, I don't know about you, but that's one bummer of a fortune. I mean, a real downer on the end of your life, right? So Peter does the natural thing and he "looks around." He spots another disciple and asks immediately, "Well, what about him?" He gets it bad, too, right Jesus? And Jesus turns to Peter and says this: "If I have him live forever, what is that to you?" And then, the real kicker: "You, follow Me." And Peter does. Even knowing the future, even knowing the excruciating agony that was going to end his life on earth, Peter says yes. He says, "I'm still in." And he went on to become one of the greatest leaders of the early church, telling thousands the Truth of the gospel. And history proves that under the persecutions of Nero in Rome that the apostle Peter was, indeed, crucified as a martyr, just like Jesus predicted.


And, honestly, I see myself in Peter. God has a road for me to walk--staying at home, doing dishes, giving time-outs, changing diapers, managing the messes, being restricted--and instead of walking that given road faithfully, I am apt instead to first look around. Well what about him? What about her? Matt gets to travel the world. He gets to go have coffee with other adults and talk for his job. She has enough money to have a housecleaning service. She has kids with easier personalities and family around to help. Her figure seemed to come right back after having her baby. And Jesus has to say to me, "Laura, what is that to you? You follow Me."

In reality, I may look at you and think your life is easier, and you may look at me and think my life is better, and we both may look at the starving children in Africa and think our lives are cake walks in comparison. But what good does it do to compare journeys? Because each of us have different roads, different puzzle pieces, different things we are learning, different histories and different tomorrows, so why should I get caught up in why my circumstances may appear in this very temporal moment harder? I am not responsible to walk anyone else's road, and I am not in charge of choosing the most convenient and comfortable path for myself in life, either. All I can do is choose to follow this Jesus who loves me--knowing the future or not, easy or difficult. Because the more time I spend looking around at other people's journeys and comparing myself to them, the more time I am wasting at a stand-still on my journey, festering discontent. I learn a lot more, develop character a lot more, and experience intimacy with God a lot more when I choose to just stop complaining and walk my unique road--with blinders on if I need them.

So, yes, miraculously, I am truly excited for Matt to travel Thailand for 17 days, riding elephants and eating authentic Phad Thai and being inspired by missionaries in the field. Truly thrilled for him. Honestly. And, yes, I am sincerely happy to be here with my three children, two of whom threw up and coughed all night last night and one of whom has spent a lot of time on his bed lately. Supernaturally, the bitterness tendrils haven't found a home lately in my heart and mind. And I feel free-er. I'm learning that I've looked around enough and am discovering that I'm much happier with walking. Hopefully I'll remember that tomorrow . . .

"So run the unique race marked out for you with endurance, and fix your eyes on Jesus, who started your faith and will make it perfect one day."

--Hebrews 12, paraphrase mine